


Mixed Feelings

by notcool



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Altered Mental States, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Is A Good Friend, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Protective Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28013166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcool/pseuds/notcool
Summary: A curious Patton decides to use his ability to swap emotions with Janus, just to see if it's possible. He was expecting perhaps a little annoyance, a splash of frustration, maybe a bit of anger at most - he certainly wasn't expecting to be hit with a semi tractor-trailer full of depression.Janus, on the other hand, is completely oblivious to Patton's little experiment, and has no idea what to do when out of nowhere he feels... happy? The switch back, however, hits him a lot harder, leaving Patton and Remus to try and piece him back together.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Platonic DLAMPR
Comments: 15
Kudos: 160





	1. Nothing's Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> me: the plot of this little story is that two people get their emotional states swapped. 'Swapped' and 'mixed' have the same connotations in this context. And emotions is fancy word for feelings, sooooooo  
> me: Imma title it Mixed Feelings  
> me:...  
> me: im a genius
> 
> Based off this tumblr prompt by mother-snake: https://not2cools.tumblr.com/post/636774475913969664/well-heccity-hecc-now-i-need-to-write

_“If all of this has taught you anything, it's that hope is easier to get rid of than sorrow.”_

\- Stewart O'Nan

\-------

Patton had… well, for lack of a better word; a power.

He didn’t use it often (there was rarely a need to, anyway) and if he was being honest there was only one instance in which it had actually been helpful.

Roman and Remus controlled the Imagination, Logan had access to nearly everything in Thomas's memory banks at his immediate disposal, Virgil could bend shadows and distort sound, Janus (somehow) always knew when someone was lying, and Patton… Patton could feel others' emotions.

The concept itself wasn’t so bad - surely being able to feel others' emotions would be helpful in knowing if his fellow sides were doing well? ...Not exactly.

The main problem being that to feel another person’s emotions, he had to stop feeling his own. Put simply, he didn’t so much _feel_ their emotions as _trade emotions with them_.

Meaning that in order for Patton to know what they were feeling, they would end up knowing what he was feeling in the meantime - not the kind of vulnerability he was fond of.

For some reason, though, that didn’t much bother him today.

He had returned to his room after breakfast, and was mindlessly rifling through old memories, nothing in particular really needing done at the time. He found himself lazily considering the times he had briefly traded emotions with the others - a quick check on Logan when the logical side had been in his room longer than usual, on Roman when the creative side didn’t talk as much at dinner, even once on Virgil after a particularly bad day.

Only his fellow light sides, though.

It was probably a bad idea, but Patton couldn’t help but be curious if his ability would even work on anyone outside the Light Side.

He considered swapping with Remus for exactly half a second before deciding he was not at all prepared for what an excitable, tactless Patton would do if set loose.

Janus, then. He could try it, right? A little switch, not even for a full minute, just to see if it was possible. Janus most likely wouldn’t even notice!

Grinning a bit childishly, Patton settled cross-legged on his floor and closed his eyes, reaching out with his senses to find unfamiliar but easily recognizable energy not too far over the border into the Dark Side.

Well… here went nothing.

There was a moment after Patton opened his eyes that he worried it hadn't worked, that he hadn't been able to swap with someone in the Dark Side after all, but before the disappointment could set in it hit him.

Suddenly Patton couldn’t breathe, vision spotting as he clawed at the front of his own shirt, anything to relieve the crushing pressure that had enveloped his chest.

Something was wrong, wrong, wrong wrong wrong wrong…

Something was wrong and it was his fault. He should have known better than to just play around with his power! Stupid, stupid! Who did he think he was, just tugging people’s emotions around - and Janus's too, the closed-off side who had only just started to warm up to them!

Even in Patton’s own head the voice of doubt sounded a little extreme to him, especially out of nowhere...

His body was slowly embracing the crushing sensation, leaving a dull throbbing in his chest that made Patton feel vaguely sick. What was this? What had gone wrong? Maybe trying to trade emotions with someone across the Light/Dark border wasn’t possible, and it had somehow backfired on him?

No, that wasn’t it. Patton knew this sensation, this oppressive weight that made it hard to breathe or think - this wasn’t a sensation at all, it was an emotion. The swap had worked just fine.

Oh god, how did Janus walk around like this? How did he come in so calm and together to gently steer Thomas towards his goals, all the while feeling like… like _this_!?

Again Patton thought that this couldn’t be right, there must be some mistake, some fault in his power that was making him feel all of this, but something deep in him knew it wasn’t. His own body, the very fabric that made up the being that was _Morality_ , was assuring him that this was very, very real.

Why hadn't Janus said anything? If nothing else it would be near impossible to work like this, and Janus seemed to share Logan’s view that the sides should take care of themselves to avoid detrimental effects on Thomas.

Patton knew he had to find some way to undo whatever was causing Janus to feel like this. Not just for Thomas either - Janus was one of them! He shouldn’t have to hurt!

He was so tired… Patton thought he might cry. Or maybe he was crying - he wasn’t sure.

There was no way he could help Janus like this… Patton drew in a deep breath, and straightened up best he could, closing his eyes and once again seeking out Janus's presence.

\-------

Janus had no idea what had caused it.

One moment he was hunched over his desk, wearily siphoning through Thomas's recent lies and half-truths, making little notes in the corners to improve future attempts at deception - Thomas, in all honesty, was a rather terrible liar, and Janus was hoping to remedy that at least a little now that he had some influence.

In the next moment there was a slight tug at his chest. He thought at first he was being summoned, which was strange enough on its own, but he only grew more confused when he registered that he wasn’t being pulled _up_ , but _sideways_. 

There was a strange twisting in his gut, and then a moment of nothingness, a void of sensation.

The next thing Janus knew he was weightless - the tugging was gone. He blinked, looking down, but his feet were still firmly on the floor.

There was a soft warmth in his chest, a tingling sensation running across his neck and down his arms, and he felt a bit light-headed, but that was a distant concern at the moment.

Janus stumbled to his feet, finding the heavy ache in his bones absent without explanation, his lungs drawing in breaths freely, his heart beating smooth and steady. He felt… alive.

What was this?

Janus shook himself, pushing away from his desk and crossing to the door. Once more he could have sworn he was floating, but the soft thump of his shoes on the floor confirmed that wasn’t so, despite the overwhelming feeling that gravity had just… let go.

He opened the door, peering out into the hall.

“Remus?” He called.

There was a distant _CLANG!_ From the kitchen, followed by a bunch of smaller clashes as a stack of something tumbled down, and then uneven footsteps as Remus bounded around the corner, hair smoking and standing up in different ways, clothes splattered with an even mix of green slime and glitter.

“Janny! You’re done working already? Ha-ha, I thought you’d have more stuff to do!”

Janus frowned a little, unsure he even _wanted_ to know exactly what havoc Remus had wreaked in the kitchen during his absence, but that was something he could deal with later.

“Did you do something?” He asked.

“Nope!” Remus jerked into a salute, slinging globs of sparkling green across the wall. “Nothing at all! Who do you think I am, Janny? I’m a responsible adult!”

Janus raised an eyebrow at that. “I’ll rephrase. Did you do anything outside the scope of your usual destructive tendencies?”

“Destructive!” Remus threw one hand over his chest dramatically, the other still glued to his forehead in its salute (Janus was starting to wonder if it was in fact literal glued there. It was Remus, after all.) “You wound me, Jan-Jan! I am Creativity! I do not destroy - I create!”

Janus just looked at him, and after a moment Remus's hands flopped back to his sides with a sigh.

“Fine, what’s wrong?” He asked, a bit whiny, but not completely dismissive.

Janus bit his lip. What was wrong, exactly?

Actually, nothing was wrong. His chest felt light and his head was clear and the simple act of breathing had never felt so good.

“Nothing’s wrong.” Janus said, frowning. “Nothing’s wrong, I don’t understand it.”

Remus just blinked at him. “That’s it? You called me in here so you could tell me that…. Nothing is wrong?”

Janus nodded, only half paying attention. He tugged off his gloves and stared at his hands, but the anticipated disgust at his own inhumanness never hit. He remembered how he felt, how he had always felt, at the sight of his own scales, the physical proof that he could never properly fit in with the others, but… he just couldn’t seem to feel that now.

He looked down and just saw hands, indifferent to the smooth yellow shimmer of the scales, as if they were natural, almost beautiful - a thought that had never before dared crossed his mind.

“...Janus?”

Remus was looking at him, saying his name, his actual name, without any weird vowels or inflections, eyes serious and face softened into Remus's own distorted version of concern.

Janus looked back at him, completely at a loss. “...Nothing’s wrong, Remus. Noth...nothing’s wrong.”

“Are you drunk or something?” Remus came right up to him, eyes narrowing as he looked Janus up and down, nose twitching like an aggravated rabbit. “You don’t seem drunk.”

“I’m not drunk.” Janus let his gloves drop to the floor - they simply seemed unnecessary now - and pushed up his sleeves, finding the scales up his left arm didn’t bother him either. Not only not bothering him, though; he actually sort of liked them.

The warmth in his chest was practically intoxicating, making him want to curl up and take a nap, but he wasn’t tired.

No, not tired. He had been tired before - tired was heavy and dark and hollow, this wasn’t. This was gentle and kind and wrapped up in a faint tuneless hum.

He barely noticed when Remus reached past him to push his door open so the creative side could look in.

He must have not found whatever he was looking for, because he turned back to Janus, taking gentle but firm hold of his upper arms and bending a little to look him in the eyes. “Janus? Tell me what’s going on. You’re kinda weirding me out right now, and weirding people out is _literally_ my job.”

Janus took a moment to meet Remus's gaze, but when he did he couldn’t help but smile. He wasn’t sure why, exactly. Remus was just such a good friend and they didn’t hang out as much as they really should, and just seeing Remus's face fueled the warmth in his chest.

“I don’t understand why the others are so scared of you, Remus.” He hummed, feeling a little dizzy. “You’re such a good person. Always there for me…”

Remus's expression darkened. “Okay, let’s get you upstairs Jan.” He turned, putting an arm around Janus's shoulders and steering him out from the doorway.

“Why?” Janus frowned.

Distantly, he was aware that this wasn’t normal. That this weightlessness wasn’t something he had ever felt before, at least not in such a long time…

Remus just grunted in response and tugged him along.

Janus couldn’t find it in him to protest - Remus was warm and safe, and if letting Remus lead him wherever would make that scowl disappear from his face, Janus was happy to oblige. 

Happy.

Was that what this feeling was?

Janus leaned into Remus's side, humming contentedly, lazily shuffling his feet to keep up and closing his eyes. Whatever this feeling was, Janus decided he liked it. He liked it a lot.

Unfortunately, it would only last about another minute.

Remus had made a few turns, Janus not really paying attention to where they were going, and they had just made another when Janus felt that tug in his chest again.

Not a summons, but a slight, sideways pull that made everything go fuzzy for a moment.

He stopped walking, frozen to the spot, not able to move had he wanted to. He could hear Remus calling his name, but it was far away.

Once more there was a still moment, a void, as though everything had been put on pause.

Then it hit him.

Crushing, impossible darkness dragging him down, making it impossible to breathe, to think, to do anything.

He could barely feel Remus's arms around him, catching him when his legs had given out, could barely hear Remus’s voice, right in his ear, calling his name, begging to know what was wrong.

Everything - everything was wrong.

He was so tired, that horrible, painful tired, and Janus thought he might be crying, sobbing uncontrollably into Remus’s chest, but he honestly wasn’t aware enough to know for sure.

He weakly curled his fingers into Remus’s shirt, desperately breathing in his friend’s familiar scent, anything to convince himself that he was safe, that he wasn’t alone.


	2. Everything Will Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is a Good Friend™, Logan is a sweetheart, and Patton makes a promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly too tired to edit as thoroughly as i usually do so sorry for any errors
> 
> enjoy my dudes :)

Patton wasn’t sure how long he sat on the floor.

He was just kind of stuck - in shock, he supposed - on the realization that one of his fellow sides had been suffering for so long and somehow hiding it. Even worse was that they felt the need to hide it in the first place.

_ Where did I go wrong? _

It was actually a kind of stupid question, and he knew it, but still. Where exactly had the line been crossed that Janus had simply decided to lock those emotions behind a wall and never let anyone see them?

...As much as it devastated him, Patton had to push that aside, reminded that his first and foremost task should be repairing the damage. He could work later to prevent future damage.

Right now, Janus needed help. Which meant Patton needed a plan.

Did he tell the others? Or would it be best to go to Janus alone? As much as Virgil was loath to admit it, Anxiety and Deceit were very similar when it came to how they handled problems; or in how they  _ didn’t _ handle problems, to be more accurate.

They were withdrawn, liked their dilemmas swept up in little dark corners where they could sort through the contents on their own.

The difference between Janus and Virgil being that Virgil more often than not just made said dilemmas worse by mixing up all his feelings, whereas Janus actually picked apart the problem and devised a somewhat fitting solution… or, at least that’s what Patton had thought up until about five minutes ago.

Now though, it seemed obvious that the two were far more similar than he’d realized. 

But what to do about it?

Somehow he doubted Janus would appreciate a knock on his door and the instant greeting of, ‘ _ hey, kind of borrowed your emotions without asking and they were high key a disaster so I thought I’d see if you like, wanted a hug or something? _ ’

...Yeah, no.

There was a commotion downstairs. Someone was calling his name.

Patton thought distantly that he should probably go see what fight Virgil and Roman had gotten into this time (because, statistically speaking, those two and their petty arguments were likely the cause of whatever was going on down there), but Logan could probably take care of it… 

Someone was knocking on his door.

Apparently Logan could not, in fact, take care of it.

Patton used the bookshelf behind him to help pull himself to his feet, shaking himself before heading for the door.

“ **_Patton!_ ** ” The word was warped, undoubtedly frantic. Virgil?

If Virgil was who had come to get him, that meant Virgil wasn’t part of the problem, which meant really anything could be going on down there.

“ **_Patton we need you! Now!_ ** ”

Patton unfroze, hurriedly taking the last step to the door and throwing it open, finding Virgil’s eyeshadow pitch black and completely covering both cheeks.

“What’s going-”

“ **_Come on!_ ** ”

Before Patton could even begin to protest Virgil had completely scooped him off his feet and was running down the stairs.

The next thing Patton next he was being deposited on the couch beside… Remus?

No, not just Remus. Someone was in Remus’ lap, half-limp and sobbing into the front of Dark Creativity’s shirt.

Janus.

Patton glanced wildly around the room for an explanation - Logan was on Remus’s other side, softly murmuring what might have been breathing exercises, but Janus didn’t seem to be hearing a word.

Roman was standing on the other side of the coffee table, hands waving a bit in a panicked, helpless motion. Virgil was still standing beside where he’d set Patton down, shoulders trembling slightly and eyeshadow darkening by the moment.

No one seemed to know what was happening, which meant… 

_ Oh. _

Patton felt tears prick at his eyes, guilt settling in his gut and provoking a vaguely nauseous feeling.

No, not time to break down himself - Janus needed him.

He knew why Virgil had come to get him; while it wasn’t really a  _ power _ , they all knew there was just something about being physically close to Patton that brought feelings into focus, helped to pull apart a tangle of feeling into manageable pieces.

So without a word he scooted right up next to Remus, opening his arms.

Remus flashed a fragmented but grateful smile, shifting to set Janus across both their laps. 

Janus appeared completely unaware of his surroundings, barely half-conscious, seemingly his only priority being ‘ _ stay with Remus _ ’ as even in this weakened state his fingers refused to relinquish their hold of the dark twin’s shirt.

Patton wrapped his arms around Janus’s waist, wriggling to curl completely around him from behind, hoping the contact would offer Janus more of his influence.

Logan had scooted somehow even closer to Remus’s other side, reaching an arm around to take Janus’s pulse.

His brows only furrowed further. “He needs to breathe. He’s hyperventilating.”

_ This isn’t good this isn’t good this- _

Patton slapped the thought aside - that wasn’t helpful right now. 

“Janus,” He murmured, hooking his chin over the serpent’s shoulder to speak into his ear. “Janus, I’m going to fix this, okay? It’s going to take time, and I know it hurts, but I’m asking you to trust me. Trust me when I promise you everything will be okay…”

Minutes passed, Janus still a complete mess but at least steady enough that he wouldn’t be passing out on them anytime soon.

Remus hadn't moved (he basically had both Janus and Patton in his lap at this point so moving was indeed a challenge), but he had turned his head so that his and Logan’s foreheads were nearly touching as they spoke in faint whispers. 

Roman had pulled Virgil into a tight embrace, the anxious side shaking in his arms as he hugged back, but his eyes were firmly on Janus.

Patton caught his gaze momentarily, and almost winced at the pain there. Had Janus not needed him, Patton would be up and wrapping his arms around both Virgil and Roman in an instant.

...but Janus did need him.

Patton was unsure of how much time passed since he’d left his room.

An hour? Two? Three? The clock was on the wall behind the couch and he didn’t have the mobility to turn and check it.

Janus wasn’t sobbing anymore, practically limp in Patton’s arms, trembling and sniffing weakly. His hands were still tightly holding onto Remus’s shirt, and Patton for the first time realized his gloves were missing.

Wrapped up in Remus’s shirt it was hard to see, but Patton still managed a glimpse of smooth scales across the top of Janus’s left hand.

They looked soft, and he had to resist the urge to reach out and brush his fingers along them.

It was at least another ten minutes before Janus moved, tugging, almost timidly, at Remus as he struggled to lift his head. Patton reached to help him but Remus beat him to it, ever-so-gently (since when had gentle even been in Remus’s vocabulary?) shifting the three of them to let Janus’s head rest on his shoulder in a more upright position.

Despite seeming to have wanted to see what was going on, the moment he was settled he turned to bury his face into Remus’s shirt, effectively removing himself from view once more.

After a moment Patton could feel the light vibration of Janus speaking, but he couldn’t quite make anything out.

Remus, who now had Janus right next to his head, apparently could though.

“I know,” Remus said. Quietly, but still loud enough the rest of them could hear. “We’re gonna figure it out, Janny, I-” he paused, listening. “...I know, Jan, I know… where? ...Okay, don’t worry about it. I’ve got you…”

Patton had never in his life even imagined the Remus that was in front of him now, but for Janus’s sake, he was glad this Remus existed.

“Does he know what’s wrong?” Roman stage-whispered from his and Virgil’s place on the other side of the coffee table. 

Patton froze.

Of course, he knew what was wrong, but until just then it hadn't really occurred to him that he was the only one.

Before Remus could begin to reply he spoke, knowing them all being on the same page was essential to figuring out what to do next.

“It’s my fault.”

It was no surprise when all eyes (save for Janus’s, as the serpent was still nuzzled into Dark Creativity’s chest) flew to him, but that didn’t make Patton want to squirm any less.

“At least, I’m assuming it is.” He continued awkwardly. “I uh… I kind of did the switch thing. With my power. With Janus. Just ‘cause I didn’t know if it would even work. It only lasted for a few minutes but that was just before Virgil came to get me. I’m not sure what’s going on exactly but… considering the timing I’m assuming it has something to do with me…”

Logan’s brows furrowed. “While it is an odd coincidence, I agree, I am confused as to how simply swapping emotional states with you could result in something like this unless he were ill or there were some kind of interference with the transfer. I suppose it is also possible that if one harbored an overwhelming amount of a particular emotion then-”

“Depression.” Patton interjected, already having some idea of where Logan was going. “When I switched I was hit with… I’ve… I know what depression feels like. And that was… that was bad.”

“Ah,” Logan said, as if everything made perfect sense now.

Roman cleared his throat, frowning. “That’s… obviously not good but, uh. I guess it’s just that he would have just had his own feelings back once the switch ended, so why is he, well, like…  _ that _ ?”

“He’s most likely spent years building up a tolerance to such feelings.” Logan stated simply, as though he were listing off any other normal facts. It made Patton wince, but he knew Logan didn’t share his own deep ties to emotional expression.

“So yes,” Logan continued, “he did receive the same levels of depression as well as all other emotions exactly as they were, but his tolerance levels were broken by the sudden change, and therefore…” He paused at the helpless look on Roman’s face.

Patton was at least mostly following along, but it seemed Roman was completely lost.

Logan sighed. “...Say you spent years making armor. You learn to fight wearing this armor, and are familiar with how you must fight to defend yourself most effectively. But then, for whatever reason, your armor is lost. If attacked you are now not just unprotected but you are inexperienced, unused to fighting in such a manner. Hence, even easier of a target than someone who has never had armor, as they would at the very least be familiar with such a fighting style.”

There was silence for a long moment.

Logan glanced around. “Have I somehow confused you more? …I apologize, I am not sure how else to… Virgil, why are you making that face?”

Virgil still had his arms wrapped around Roman, but despite the pitch black under his eyes the corner of his lips was curling up.

“Just… not what I expected. It’s nothing.”

“I don’t understand. Did I say something strange?”

Roman’s lips were twitching as well. “Just don’t think I’ve heard you use sword fighting as an analogy before, specs.”

Logan immediately curled in on himself, eyes narrowing. “I simply went with what I believed would be easiest for you all to quickly grasp. I do not unders- Virgil,  _ why _ are you laughing?”

Virgil turned his head to muffle a snicker in Roman’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, Lo. You did great. Concept grasped.”

Logan (though he would most definitely deny it later should anyone mention it) pouted. “Just… Roman has a sword, and armor, even if he doesn’t wear it much, so…”

Patton stretched an arm across both dark sides to catch Logan’s hand. “You explained just perfectly, Logan, don’t let it bother you.”

Logan nodded distractedly, after a moment shaking himself and looking back to Janus, who hadn't moved or spoken in several minutes now. “Is he asleep or unconscious?”

Remus had stayed quiet, but did look thoroughly amused. He quickly tossed the expression aside as Logan turned his way though, sparing a glance to the man in his arms. “Uh… yes?”

Logan looked vaguely unimpressed, and wormed his free hand under Remus’s arm to grasp Janus’s wrist. “...His pulse seems to be steady, so I believe it’s safe to assume he is alright- um, physically, at least.”

Patton hummed, giving Logan’s hand a little squeeze. “What now?”

Logan ran a hand through his hair, taking a moment to think. “We should let him rest for now.” He said. “Although it would be best if someone stayed with him, to be present should he become distressed. When he wakes and is feeling well enough for conversation we will need to locate and address any cognitive distortions at the forefront of his emotional state.”

There was a brief moment of silence, broken by Remus clicking his tongue. 

“Well, I guess I should get Jan-Jan here to bed.”

Logan shifted to get out of the way, but Patton wasn’t quite ready to let go of the serpent just yet.

“Can he… can  _ we _ stay in here?”

The others exchanged looks, and though no words were spoken it was obvious it came down to whatever Remus decided (he was Janus’s best friend, after all).

Remus pursed his lips, tilting his head down at Janus’s closed eyes and slightly parted lips. 

He shrugged. “Eh. Why not.”

Logan scooted back to his place, and Patton could have sworn he saw the logical side smile, if only for a second. “I suppose that is an adequate solution.”

Roman tugged Virgil with him up the stairs, and they returned after a few minutes with the pillows and blankets from both their beds.

A few more minutes and the two had situated themselves on the couch at Logan’s free side, blankets having been tossed around to cocoon all six of them in soft, fuzzy warmth.

The lights were technically still on, but because Virgil was both lazy and dramatic, the darkness that coated them was unnatural, yet comforting nonetheless.

There was so much to be done, to be said, but for the moment everything was the best it could have been, and so Patton was content to nuzzle into the back of Janus’s neck and lace his fingers through Logan’s, knowing that, no matter what he had to do, he was going to keep his promise to Janus:

_ Everything will be okay. _


End file.
